change....

Some people tell me that change is good. Well i have had the same hair for as long as I can remember....so i decided to change it. What ya think? I know it is a little shaggy but hey, that is all the rage now, isn't it?

truthfully i did it to freak out Tiff when she came home from China. She hates guys with long hair. And it is all worth it to see the look on her face.

Oh good times.

quarter life wasted?

The first quarter of my life is fastly approaching leaving me wondering if it was all worth it. Am i really in that place where i pictured myself to be when I was little. I used to sit in the front section of the church pews and dream about my life in grand proportions, the grand scheme of my days played before me until the dramatic conclusion of martyredom. (I always thought if you were to go that would be the best way, at least then i would end up in a rough edged novel endorsed by some Christian rock band)
Reflecting now i find that there is very little that I would actually keep the same....and it is time to make some significant changes....call it my quarter life crisis. For starters, after 24 years of good and bad memories, it is time that I leave the church that I grew up in. Some things are inevitable and this was a long time coming. I know you are not supposed to look back but i will miss those "glory days of SPPA".
It has become increasingly obvious over the last couple weeks and months that my job is no longer appealing to me. It captured me with the promise of great possibilities and now I find myslef trapped in a world I did not bargain or plan for.

I am not saying that my life is all bad. I have been blessed in so many ways. My family is beyond comparison...I have friends that continually bring a smile to my face..and a girl who dispite my ugliest moments, held on.
I have become rather emotional lately i know this, but i think this is part of growing up..a natural reflection of where i have come and where i am heading and whether I have wandered from my path.

I love you guys so much...and although i wont see most of you on sunday morning anymore...we will always have lunch.

slowly shriveling

I am slowly shriveling....and no I am not talking about my wieght. (I wish) I have not blogged in a while, and that is becuase I have not done much in a while besides work. The good thing is that I am slowly emerging from the debt that gripped my every limb, the bad is that I have neglected everything and everyone around me. I am sorry Tiffanie.....you know how much I cant breathe without you. I am sorry to all my friends who have been there for me when I am giving nothing in return. Thank you for your love and smiles. I am dying without you guys.. I hope that one day I can repay you.
Love
Ian

90 hours...

So I have started a new job. Not only am I working part time at Vanguard, I am also working at Robin Hood. For those of you that don't know, that is an organization that runs group homes for disabled persons. And get this..... I am working a staggering 90 hours a week. (Just think of the money Ian, just think of the money) That is what I find myself telling myself lately. Some days are easier than others but it is getting overwhelming. I havent seen my family in three days now. And I never get to see Tiffanie..besides a casual text here and there, that is it. Sad I know. But it is only for February and then the hours go down. Of course that is when Tiffanie leaves and goes to China. AHH Vancouver mode, that is what we are in. Love you Tiffanie.
Anyhow, there are so many funny stories from the group home. So many experiences that we can say are definetly "Once in a lifetime". (And lets hope that the ONCE is true)
Some day I will write a book with them all, and be on the best seller list, entitled "My Life as a Pee Collector". Catchy eh?

Christmas in Newfoundland...

ah yes, Christmas in Newfoundland. The wind in my hair..the ocean spray across my face...the sounds of mummers in the air. Yes..Christmas in Newfoundland. For those of you that didnt know I went to visit Tiffanie and her family in NL. It was a blast, to say the least. I met lots of new people (mostly Tiffanie's family) who are some of the funniest people that you will ever meet. I dont think I stopped laughing the whole time that I was there. (while minus the first couple of days where I sat in the corner and said nothing) So many memories and I miss it already. Thanks to all you folks NL for a great time!!!! Especially Tiffanie's family. All the pictures are up for your viewing pleasure. All you have to do is click on the photo link. Happy browsing... and I know that some of the pictures might seem a little strange but I promise they are great people.

paradox...

This here, in my hand, is sacrifice
the copper flavour of risk, the aftertaste of our selfish medicine,
coursing through the choke of the moment
this moment, this time
break away from all your urges, quiet that inner rage exploding; don't lie
sit with me, look in my hand and tell me what you find.

Here's what I know: we're given nothing
unless we give in a little first, and this day is only
what we commit to at its birth, and I
will never say the words
not amid this confusion, among this seclusion I've sentenced myself to
I'm no savior, and when I hold the lens up, I fear only for you.

In the mirror, now, I interpret these deranged things
Third-guessing each second your hand reaches for me
for now, I extend nowhere, and see no other need to reach
I could have trusted you forever
but the questions now come with me, and if, or when I'll ever
lend myself over enough to you, or find you in another.

I may never find you in another.
How can such fear and consolation exist simultaneously?

You want trust, you want loyalty; you know what you need
Here I sit, your wayward wind, inconsistent and unleashed
and how does that fare, day to day, there but not seen?
from this, you seek decision?
you look this way for comfort and relief?
you want from me an admission to your own dream?

This page is my final voice, it's all I can give now
such a small token, for believing in me, this unspoken vow
for looking in this hand for the future and
finding nothing that was missing
but you're strong, and I believe time may not heal all
but it never lets us down in moving along.

As we join here, analyzing this journey
with certainty, I can determine there was no other path
no other remedy for the disease of this day
no quick fix, no supplement for this wrath.
Just my open hand, my open heart,
An open life, in this closed space.

Eclipse haiku....

Between the lips of night, a
Mint imperial
Moon is sucked right out of sight.